Choosing. It's Hard.

This is a tough one to write, y'all because I blew it as a parent today. BLEW IT WIDE OPEN. Zero "Mom of The Year" medals were awarded to me today. It.was.rough. FOR ALL OF US.

This afternoon disintegrated around me faster than I'd ever thought possible and in an effort of self preservation, I may have put all three of my kids to bed tonight at 7pm just to be able to put an end to this day. Mercy sakes. 

Ten hours earlier, I'd been drinking coffee at my kitchen table with my Mom, never suspecting the brittle and broken edges that the day would leave me surrounded with. 

You see, the kids were pushing my buttons all afternoon and I knew it. Moms, you know what I mean because you can see the storm coming. The horse playing began to become more and more "enthusiastic" and their selective hearing worsened with every rebuke aimed their way. The supper I fixed (including homemade mac and cheese, THE NECTAR OF THE SAINTS) went largely untouched and month old stale marshmallows were begged for like they were manna from Heaven. RUDE. Nobody wanted to pick up puzzle pieces or have their teeth flossed. A cup of milk was mysteriously splashed all over every single surface in my kitchen, but NO ONE SAW IT HAPPEN. A pillow sprang a leak and there were suddenly 328 tiny feathers sprinkled all over my freshly vacuumed living room rug. 

OR DO THINGS LIKE THIS ONLY HAPPEN IN MY HOME?

Today found me making choices and I didn't make good ones. I chose anger instead of peace. I chose reacting instead of responding. I chose temper over grace. I chose the emotions that were easy for me to access instead of the fruits that would've taken work to acquire.  

I chose poorly. And I knew immediately, as I thundered and stormed and rained around my house and my kids and my dog and my cat that the choices I was making, while they may have felt easiest at the time, were going to be the ones that were going to leave me with a bitter taste in the back of my throat but I didn't care, because losing my temper felt good in the moment. Yikes.

But here's the thing, y'all: Feelings are fickle. They can change and evolve and morph in moments. What "feels" good in one moment can leave you feeling shameful and guilty and drained in the next. (Ask me how I know. ::cringe::) Feelings shouldn't be allowed to rule over my spirit- My spirit should rule over my feelings.

And you see, knowing the right choice and choosing to make it are two totally different things. And that's where my big mistake came. I knew the choice I should've made, but I didn't chose it. Why? BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT. The good choice was hard. The bad choice was easy. And today- I chose easy over hard. And I hate it. I hate it so, so, SO MUCH.

So tonight, before I go to bed, I'll lay it all at His feet. I'll empty all this awful, heavy, hard baggage I'm carrying and leave it there. I'll go to sleep knowing that I've cried and snuggled and repaired things with both my kids and my Savior. And tomorrow, when I get up early to drink my coffee and read my Bible and start my day- I'll be able to humble myself and begin again. And, my prayer will be that when the choices come, that I'll have the strength to chose the right one even if it's the hard one. 

And I'll have a huge batch of homemade apology blueberry muffins waiting for the kids, too. Because breakfast pastries are their love language.