When Guilt Is GOOD.

I mentioned in a post last week about how I'd recently read through my Bible. While writing about conquering that cover-to-cover milestone, I was reminded of the times before now when I'd started and stopped the Genesis-Revelation journey.

The first time I attempted to read straight through my Bible, I was in high school. I saw it as a task to accomplish when I received my first "Teen Study Bible" and found those blank check mark boxes beside each day's outline. I crashed and burned really, really quickly- probably because my I'm such a perfectionist and once I slipped up and "missed" a few days I quickly lost my motivation and gave up almost immediately. 

Flash forward a few years with me. I was in college when I thought I'd try my hand at it again. I started out strong, just like I had before, and even lasted a bit longer than I had previously, but I eventually got bogged down somewhere in Leveticus or during the building of the temple or in the minutia of the OT law somewhere. My daily study time started to wane, and as I allowed myself to become more and more occupied with things other than my daily Bible study, guilt crept in. 

Let me tell you something about guilt, y'all. And I'm basically an expert 'cause I've felt my fair share of it. In my opinion, feeling guilty about not studying your Bible is actually a GOOD thing. 

What tha' whaaaat??! I hear you. I know. It's a convoluted notion. Work with me for a few minutes here.

I'd spy my unopened Bible on the nightstand in my apartment, and a familiar twinge of regret would hit me. It sort of felt like that guilty sensation you get when an inappropriate amount of time has passed since you last called someone or wrote a thank you note or balanced your checkbook or flossed your teeth. You feel badly because so much time has passed since you last thought about doing that thing you feel guilty about not doing, and you know you really should get your act together and see about doing it, but there's a damp, dank, hope-suffocating cloud that covers your heart and paralyzes your body. 

So, instead, you block it from your mind. You find something else to do to occupy your mind and keep your heart busy until that damp, dark, guilty feeling fades and eventually just dies out and goes away. 

Like I said before, feeling guilty about neglecting your daily, personal Bible study is a good thing because it means you are still feeling those emotions. And those emotions you are feeling are real. It's the Holy Spirit's way of reaching out to you. It's God's way of trying to tell you that something is missing. You're lacking a piece of fulfillment that only He can fill. 

If you look at your Bible and feel badly about the amount of time it's been since you've opened those paper pages then I REJOICE FOR YOU. You have that sinking feeling because it means you still feel the loss of Jesus in your life. There's hope left. Your heart is still tender. You haven't shut His voice out from your soul. 

Guilt is good. It means you're still listening.

I didn't realize it then, but it was a terrible, sad, tragic day when I got to the point that I could pass my neglected Bible without so much as a sideways glance. I could see that fine layer of dust settled on top of my leather cover and not.even.flinch. I wouldn't think twice about pushing it to the side so I could set my coffee cup down. I'd move it over to my bookshelf corner because I had textbooks to study or a relaxing book to read. 

My hardened heart had left me in a place where I felt better about my lack of personal Bible study, but what I didn't realize was that my soul couldn't have been in a more dangerous position. 

I'm ashamed to admit it, but eventually my Bible became nothing more than a prop. I could grab it as I walked out the door on Sunday mornings without even feeling so much as a twinge of sorrow about how long it'd been since I studied. It was an arm filler that I would habitually grab as I dashed out the door on Sunday mornings along with my keys and my purse and my coffee. It was the final touch to my Sunday/Wednesday outfit, like remembering to wear a necklace or my favorite silver ring. It became an accessory. 

Ouch.

I'd bring it with me to church because that's what you did. It was almost like a status symbol, an outward sign to show the people I worshipped with that I had my act together. Sure, I'd open it to the passages we were studying in Bible class and thumb through to the scriptures the preacher would mention during worship; I'd even take notes in the margins and fold my bulletin in half to jot down outline points while I listened to the sermon. 

My Bible got it's weekly workout on Sundays and Wednesdays. After the closing prayer, I'd gather my purse and keys and empty coffee cup along with my Bible, visit for a few minutes with my church family and then it was over. My Bible had sung it's swan song for that week, and as I deposited it onto the passenger seat in my car, that's where it's function in my life would end. 

Some weeks I would remember to grab it as I went inside my apartment after church- I'd carry it to the counter or the table or up to my room where I'd set it down with some of my other mail and papers and that's where it would sit until I frantically searched for it as I was walking out the door for church a few days later. There were even times (more than I'd want to admit) that I just left it in my car. 

If my hands were full or if I'd gone through a drive through to grab lunch, I'd reason with myself that it would be 'easier' for me to just leave it on the seat. That way, I wouldn't have to shuffle it back and forth from the car to the apartment then I wouldn't have to look for it and then I would always have it when I needed it as my "good girl-church girl" prop in a few days. 

It was an awful place to be in, y'all. What a shallow, empty facade I was putting on. A fake show that I was using to fool everyone around me- especially myself. I'd never pushed myself into a lifestyle, a choice, a habit of daily Bible study- and I never knew what I was missing.  

Reading through God's word has been a habit that I've never been happier that I've developed. I never really knew how much I needed it. Seeking Him, searching for Him, and finally finding Him on a deeper level throughout my Genesis-Revelation journey has been a life changing experience. 

If you're trying to develop your own daily Bible study habits, or if my story has sounded anything like yours, let me encourage you to continue to push yourself. The sacrifice that you'll make to spend in The Word everyday will far be outweighed by the relationships you'll find within it. Let 2015 be the year you stop treating your Bible like a cute pair of earrings. Use the next 12 months to buckle down and turn it into the lifeline He designed it to be. I promise you won't regret it.