13 Things I WON'T Miss About Having A Newborn Baby

Alright, y'all. I have to admit that I cried a little a lot after writing last week's post. I clicked "Publish" and promptly melted into a puddle of "I-can't-believe-I'll-never-have-another-newborn-baby-ever-again" tears. So, in a theraputic effort, I decided to compile a complimentary list of things I will be more than happy to bid adieu to now that my youngest, Nathan is growing out of the newborn/infant stage. 
And, here they are. Enjoy.

1. Lowering Crib Mattresses. See the opening of last week's post. 
2. Digging Things (bugs, beads, half a crayon, dog hair, etc.) Out Of Crawling Babies' Mouths. We're still not quite out of this stage yet. Nathan's snack yesterday may have been 4 cockroach legs, some cantaloupe and blueberry muffin. How do they find dead bugs SO QUICKLY? They can find any dead insect or marble or scrap of tin foil within a 20 foot radius within 3.7 seconds. Babies were born with skills for this. It's scientific fact.
3. Diaper Rash. C'mon, y'all. AMIRIGHT??? The changing table in Nathan's room looks like combo between a CVS Pharmacy and a VooDoo man's medicine bag. I've got at least one of each of the following in a container/bottle/can currently sitting at the end of Nathan's dresser: Coconut Oil (in a mason jar, of course), homemade diaper rash cream, A&D Ointment, Boudreaux's Butt Paste, a jar of Apple Cider Vinegar/water combo, Desitin, Desitin Maximum Strength, Desitin Creamy, Aveeno Soothing Relief Cream, corn starch (in a Sam's Club sized jar), a prescription cream, Maalox, Neosporin, homemade bottom spritzing spray, and a half a tub of Vaseline. The struggle to keep my baby's bottoms fresh and rash free is real. 
4. Used Cornstarch Diaper Pebbles. (See #3.) Y'all. It's awful. You open their wet diaper to change them and those little rocklets of cornstarch balls scatter from one end of the nursery floor to the other. They get EVERYWHERE. When I vacuum the carpet in front of Nathan's dresser/changing table, it sounds just like Christmastime, except instead of hearing that sound of sucking up pine needles, I'm hearing that sound because I'm sucking up little pebbles of urine and cornstarch balls. How nice...
5. Cottage Cheese Foam Spit Up. Seriously. You nurse-and-burp-and-nurse-and-burp and yet you STILL get covered in that foamy, funky-smelling, curdled spit up goop half an hour later. You get to walk around for the rest of the day smelling like the dairy case of a WalMart 3 days after a hurricane. {While we are discussing spit up, I can't forget to mention the projectile variety my daughter was so adept at creating. The force that little bundle of pink could muster to spew her latest meal across the room was unreal. She could knock down a Coke can 20 yards away, I'm sure. You'd have to position the burp rag just right in order to make sure you could catch it, squeeze it into the fabric and reopen your hand to catch the second wave that you knew was coming out, wether you were going to be ready for it or not. Burping a baby that's a spitter is an exercise in hand/eye coordination for sure.} So yeah, I'm glad the spit up days are behind me. 
6. Teething. More specifically, nursing while teething. Because they've gotta cut their teeth on something. And, if you're nursing them: IT IS GONNA BE YOU. (Ouch.) Plus you get the low grade fever, sparkling personalities, and explosive diapers that go along with cutting teeth. It's a gloriously splendid time for all parties involved. We still aren't out of the woods with this stage, either. UNFORTUNATELY.
7. Cluster Feedings. Because 48 hours straight of being a baby's personal AYCE buffet isn't exhausting at all. (The resulting chubby baby rolls are pretty cute, though.)
8. SIDS. All three times around, this was the biggest fear that I had a really, really, REALLY hard time letting go of. I wanted to sleep. I needed to sleep. But I couldn't. If they were sleeping longer than usual, I was NOT relieved that they were stretching hours between their overnight feedings. I spent the whole time hovering outside their door praying that they would start to cry, or twitch, or grunt just so I would know they were alive. At night, I would watch the baby's video monitor like a TV news junkie because I just could.not.turn.it.off. Now that Nathan's hit the 9 month mark, I feel like I can cross this compulsive fear off my list. I can't imagine the pain a syndrome like SIDS can cause to families. I realize I am blessed beyond measure to have three healthy, happy babies in my house.
9. Post-Circumcision Care. Did y'all know that skin cells can heal back onto themselves as they heal? Did you know, that after a circumcision, you do NOT want that to happen? Did you know, that if this happens to your baby boy, what that means you will have to do??? BECAUSE I DO. ::shudder:: I am so, so, so relieved that the Vaseline-slathering and skin-stretching and delicate-diaper-changing period is OVER. Hallelujah.
10. Cord Stumps. The days that my three babies lost their cord stumps were bittersweet ones. It signified to me that they weren't 'brand new' anymore. I might have welled up a little when it happened, but in the week or so preceding that event, oh my mercy. Y'all. Cleaning and accidentally snagging it on a gown WAS AWFUL. I know they say that cord stumps don't have nerve endings, so the babies don't feel anything when you touch it, but I still got the heeby-jeebies when I would have to clean it. And, at the end, when it's juuuust about to fall off and it's just hanging on by a thread... Heavens.
11. Newborn Skin Conditions. This includes, but is not limited to: Baby Acne, Cradle Cap, Ear Fur, Back Fuzz, but especially that weird transitional period about 6 days after delivery when your baby's skin just kinda peeeeels off in layers. Then, when you take off their gowns, you can see all sorts of those little rolled up pieces of waxy, sloughed off skin on the inside of their outifts. Ewwwwww.  
12. Newborn Nail Clipping. Probably the most stressful task you can undertake, short of #9. In my house, it's nothing short of a surgical operation. I've resorted now to just biting them. Gently. 
13. Tar Poop. You have a baby and suddenly someone else's bowel/bladder functions become the most important, most closely watched events of your day. You count them, chart them, compare them, color-code them, and maybe even write FB status about them (guilty!). The amount of time you spend examining your baby's body eliminations is nothing short of magnanimous. Their first dirty diapers are a thing to be celebrated (Hooray for fully functioning intestines!)... until you go to clean them up. I'm not sure what is in the black tar that babies create during their first days of life, but I'm pretty sure it could fix a hole in the bottom of a leaky boat. If they would have had a jar of this stuff onboard, I'm pretty certain the Titanic wouldn't have sunk. They fill their diapers with that black goo and you swipe and swipe and wipe and wipe, and it doesn't budge. That stuff is HARD TO CLEAN OFF. Mercy, the amount of wipes you go through... 

I realize that this list is longer than my previous post's. I guess this means my self-imposed therapeutic exercise was a success. It has been a joy to watch our youngest grow and change. It has been a blessing to see his older siblings meet and fall in love with their new baby brother. It has been bittersweet, at times, to realize how quickly he's growing. But with every phase he leaves behind, there are bigger and newer and better milestones waiting for him to achieve. And with two fantastic older siblings to forge a path for him to follow, I can't wait to see what coming around the next bend in the road for our family of five. 

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