30 Things

I turned thirty last week. 
::gulp:: 

My youngest, Nathan's face says it all. It was big doin's. 

It's not that I am opposed to aging. I get it. I'm getting older. I'm absolutely owning the first few dozens of gray hairs that I've recently discovered. They go along nicely with some crows feet and laugh lines that have started to appear in my bathroom mirror. That's not what's making me pause.  

It's the fact that, with the official arrival of my 30's, I feel as if- by some cosmic power or biological force- I should have "it" together. My life. My house. Myself. I should be over being self conscious about my body, clothes, and personal style. I shouldn't be worrying about things I have no control over like other people's opinions or actions. I should "get it" by now, shouldn't I? 

Life. Love. Happiness. Peace. It's like, when you think about life- about the passing of time and the journey that you travel down, your 30's are the years when you settle into yourself. You discover yourself in your 20's. You make peace with yourself in your 40's. But your 30's are the time when you curl comfortably into the person you've become. You light a candle, grab a cup of coffee, a comfy blanket, a good book and you settle down into yourself. Who you are. Who you've turned out to be. It's kinda freaking me out.

At least, that's what I want my 30's to be. I want to live this decade confidently knowing who I am. And, when I take this time to stop and settle and sigh into myself and maybe see something that I don't like- I AM GOING TO CHANGE IT. Because, y'all- I'm a grown up now. For real. I'm thirty years old. I can make choices and challenges and changes to make myself a better person. And I will. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------
To help commemorate my 30th birthday, I've compiled a list of 30 facts about our lives that one day, I'd like the kids to know. These are things that I'd like to help give them a true glimpse of what I was like, what our lives were like, when they were only 3.75 and 2.5 and .75 years old. So- Luke, Josie, Nathan: This is what life for your mother was like in 2014. Be prepared.

1. I like coffee. A lot. Since December of 2009, I have either been growing or feeding one of you with my body. What this means, is that for the past half a decade, I have had to limit myself to one cup of coffee a day. It's been a sacrifice. It's been a challenge. It's been a struggle. Once Nathan is weaned, I plan on buying a fancy espresso maker/milk steamer thing and I'm sure I will positively vibrate with the caffiene jitters for every day hence forth. Bring it on. 
2. I used to read for fun. A lot. Then I had y'all and now I'm knee deep in about 17 different books about parenting and homeschooling and how to clean your house on a schedule. My home library has become remarkably lame. 
3. I like my hot dogs grilled extra crispy with just mustard. 
4. Sometimes I am so tired that I don't' know if I can make it through another day. How do y'all have so much stinkin' energy?!! (Seriously, though. How?)
5. I feel guilty on the nights that I don't fix y'all a vegetable with our supper. But I give y'all an extra vitamin at bedtime and my guilt is *mostly* absolved. 
6. There are secret nap snacks y'all don't know about. There, I said it. Blammo.
7. I never used to worry about what came on television before y'all were born. Now, we've cancelled cable and restricted Netflix to 'G' rated shows only. I really hope y'all continue to love Curious George as much as y'all do now, because it's all I'm gonna let y'all watch for the next 15 years or so. 
8. Y'all's triple naps are sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day. (See #4.) If y'all don't all settle down for at least 30 mintues consectuively, I wouldn't eat or brush my teeth at all that day. Motherhood brought out the grungy hobo in me.
9. I skip pages sometimes in y'all's really, really long books. I've become a paraphrasing professional. But Luke's starting to catch on to me, so- bummer. But hooray for his reading comprehension! 
10. I love that y'all love PB&J's for lunch everyday. It is literally the easiest thing in the world to fix and I'm confident that I could cut the crust off y'all's sandwiches in my sleep. (And I probably have.)
11. I sometimes look forward to the day when I don't have to wipe all your faces and all your places all the times that they are dirty. 
12. I donate/throw away your annoying and broken toys while y'all are sleeping. Sue me.
13. I used to be really territorial about my food. But now, I don't know what I would do at a meal if I didn't have tiny fingers sneaking bites or rogue forkes diving into my plate or tiny people sitting in my lap eating my chicken because it tastes better than the identical cubed pieces that are on her plate. (I'm talking to you, Jo.) 
14. I used to be on time. All the time. For everything. But now, I'm constantly running late for EVERYTHING. Y'all have taught me an important lesson about my attitude toward punctuality: I'd rather be 10 minutes late for church with a smiling face than be on time because I brow beat and bullied us out the door. I do everything I can to prepare as best I can in advance to help keep us on schedule, but if we're gonna be late- I've learned that my prodding and pushing and pestering doesn't get us out the door any faster, it just makes us cranky and cross and crabby when we arrive at our destination. It ain't worth it.
15. Nail polish is one of my love languages. Polish doesn't give me a muffin top and makes me feel fancy and poised and put together. (Which, 87% of the time, I'm not.) An accent nail with a glitter top coat is my jam. I like to paint my nails every week, on Wednesday nights. I come home after church, throw y'all put y'all to bed for the night and treat myself to a fresh coat of fanciness courtesy of Sally Hansen.
16. I take 20 extra minutes to feed Nathan at night just so I can look at his precious, squishy face and listen to his sweet, sleepy breathing and feel his warm, little body relax against mine as he falls asleep. During the day, you big kids are running around like hooligans and I'm putting out fires and cleaning up messes and I don't always feel like I get to spend that good, quality time with him while I feed him. (It's hard to soak in the moment when you're feeding a baby next to a toddler who is constantly trying to pull their toes or pat their heads or slap their backs when you burp them.) But, at the end of the day, when you big kids are in your beds, it's just the two of us. And I soak it in. 
17. Sometimes I worry that there's not enough of me to go around. But then, y'all all climb into my lap and I realize I'm worrying about nothing. It is however, a little like trying to hold onto three wet cats in a rainstorm when y'all are all in my lap. Y'all are squirmy. And your elbows are SHARP.
18. I love y'all. I love y'all more than coffee, but not always before coffee. (See #27, #28 and #1.)
19. Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers is my all time, read-it-over-and-over-and-OVER again, most favorite book. Josie, I will buy it for you for your birthday one year. I promise. 
20. I eat two boiled eggs for breakfast every day. Not because I love them, but because they're the only food that I can quickly inhale while standing at the counter while I'm trying to get the three of y'all fed. 
21. That said, I eat lunch at like 2pm when y'all are sleeping because it's impossible to feed myself even a single bite while I'm feeding/supervising the three of y'all at the table. (See #6.) 
22. I'm awful at remembering to write thank you notes. It's always to touching for me to receive something, and I want to be better about extending the feeling of gratitude to my gracious giver. In fact, I've got two "to compose" thank you notes on my list right now. Some lovely friends surprised me for my birthday with sweet gifts that I am splurging on fancy schmamcy nail polishes (#15) and a soup and sandwich supper with a good friend sometime soon. (Mom loves soup in a bread bowl, guys. LOVES IT. Panera Bread, here I come.)
23. My favorite color: RED. No big surprise there. :)
24. I don't wash my face every night. It's another goal that I'm setting for myself now that I'm 30: To take better care of my skin. So, I bought a ridiculously large red sun hat with some of my birthday money and I'm on the market for a new (cheapish?) line of skin care products. I've gotta start using more than just my old standby Oil of Olay pink jar of night cream.
    
    (This hat is huge, I know. And red! I kinda feel like a dork wearing it, but it really keeps the sun off my face and neck so I'm gonna keep on wearing it. So take that- melanoma!)
25. My clothes are old. I've got plenty of hangers in my closet, but I only wear like 20% of them. Half are way too big, half are way too small. For the past 4.5 years I've been gaining and losing 40ish pounds between getting pregnant with the three of y'all. I've purchased maternity clothes, and gotten some really great hand me downs, but I haven't been 'clothes shopping' since before BP covered Pensacola Beach in tar balls back in 2010. Seriously. Your Dad and I drove down to the beach for maternity pictures literally two days before the oil arrived. I bought a new shirt for the pictures and that was about the last time I really went shopping for fun instead of out of desperation. 
26. Another borderline obsession I have: Accent lighting. I love it- lamps, string lights, cute night lights. You name it. I've pinned about 342 different ways to decorate with white Christmas lights and one day, I'm going to do it. I'll string some rope lights to display Grammy's old milk glass collection. I will do it. Y'all watch. 
27. When y'all are teenagers, I'm not going to feel badly for one minute about waking y'all up early. Because, right now, y'all get up waaaay too and I am gonna love to pay y'all back for it. 
28. I wake up SUPER early.(See #27.) I roll outta bed about 2 hours before y'all because it's the only time during the day that the house is quiet and dark and peaceful and all mine. And, for me, if I don't give myself that time to read and think and pray and drink one cup of Community Dark Roast, I'm not a good wife to your Daddy or a good Momma to you. Everybody loses on those days. 
29. Favorite movie: Pride and Prejudice. No question. I turn on my old DVD for nap time noise while y'all rest in the afternoons. I can literally quote it line for line now. A close second: Sabrina- both versions. Don't ask me to pick which one I like best, because they're both fantastic. If you ever need to butter me up for something- bring me both copies, a comfy blanket and snuggle next to me on the sofa for a few hours while we have a Sabrina movie marathon. When they're over, I'll be putty in your hands. Just sayin'.
30. NEVER FORGET: I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my babies you'll be.